MS & Healing my Body Image Issues

MS Update: I spent 4 wks on Tecfidera horrifically sick and not functioning. July was basically a total wash. So, you know you can be overdosed? Evidently, under-dosing is a thing too. I finally just had a strong nudge to titrate up my dosages and within a couple days the nausea vanished, joint pain faded and my energy was back. I started back with 2-4 mile daily hikes and felt blissfully normal and ready to start teaching again mid August. I could literally weep with relief. I've made peace with Techfidera, my MS symptoms and quiet and life is as normal as it gets before school starts...school with masks, sigh. There's another post for another day.

I wanted to share my story about body image. I heard a fantastic interview with therapist Amy Harman (@amyharmanlmft) on Geoff Steurer's (my amazing therapist @geoffsteurer) Illuminate Podcast. Go listen to it. She just came out with a book "Perfectly Imperfect" which addresses body image issues and practical ideas on how to deal with it. It made me reflect on my own journey and thought it was time to share on a more public forum. Here we go:


There was yet another weight loss challenge on my work email: Let's support each other getting healthy! $25 to enter, weight loss winner gets the prize! For a moment, I thought about it. I looked at the list of fellow teachers who had already committed. Who could I beat? Who has more to lose? I could get by on one meal a day for a while...

Stop. Just stop.

I had come too far already. I hit the delete button.

One more thing I had changed.

It started pre-puberty. An off-hand comment. Looking in the mirror and seeing my reflection and thinking not enough. I'm not enough.

This fractured thought process carried into adolescence where I was swept into comparison and was forever chasing the elusive "perfect" body. I mistreated my body, and experienced what I now know is body dysmorphia.

As an adult, my body image became crippling. Pregnancies, thyroid and hormonal issues, as well as poor diet and exercise, caused me to balloon, only reinforcing my self-image that I was too fat, not pretty, and not good enough...never good enough.

I thought being skinny would change everything, so I tried every diet under the sun, every weight loss supplement I could get my hands on. I put my poor body through the ringer as I was constantly trying to become smaller. I thought so little of myself for so long. I didn't see the beauty that was there. Being treated poorly by others due to my weight/appearance continued throughout my adult life. Instead of calling it out for what it was, I just internalized the negative experiences and chalked it up to validating the horrible perception I had of myself.

To off-set my negative body image, I had to draw people's attention away from what I looked like. So, as a teen I started to develop a larger-than-life personality. I was the funny one, the louder one, the smart one, the super-people-pleasing one--anything to get attention off my appearance. I was, as Brene Brown puts it so well, "hustling for my worthiness." I became a Type A perfectionist, determined to be the smartest, most together, most dependable woman in the room because I sure as hell wouldn't be the prettiest.

I created a whole life around avoidance. I became a skilled photographer to avoid being photographed. I avoided shopping as much as I could (still don't enjoy it) and wore clothes to hide. My normally sunny, outgoing personality started to turn inward. I avoided crowds and gathering and about died when I was asked to be a Cubmaster with the BSA branch of my church. I had to get in front of people every month and be super goofy. I was so embarrassed, and felt like a linebacker in my tan scout attire. Between avoiding things, putting on a show and always managing counting calories, etc. it became a very difficult way to live and it was all very sad.

Luckily, something deep inside won out and I returned to college to become a teacher. I had to somehow be ok with being in front of people. By 2012 I had graduated, gained some confidence and started teaching. I found very accepting 7th graders and began to be able to not worry about myself when I was in front of them. This started the very beginning of healing.

In 2015 I experienced trauma that forced me to confront many things--one of which was extreme body images issues. This began my path to lasting awareness and healing. 2015 was a lot about self-discovery and realizing the problem. In late 2016, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and everything changed.

My body had always felt like the enemy. It was bulky and I felt unattractive. It was a crappy package for who I thought I was inside. Read my blog, but in short, MS is a neurological disease where your immune system perceives the body to be the foreign invader and attacks the myelin sheathing of nerves. My body was destroying itself from the inside out--get the irony there?

I had to do a MASSIVE mindset shift. I needed to take care of my body to manage my MS. Yes, there are medications, but I didn't want to be on tons of drugs, quit my job and go on disability (which many suggested). My unwillingness to give up was greater than my body image issues, so I began changing.

It started by flooding my body with nutrition. I drastically made diet changes. I didn't eat to reward myself, I didn't starve to punish myself. I started to eat to nourish.

I worked with a therapist about body image issues and perfectionist behavior. I began following Jason Seib's Body Beliefs and started doing massive work on my thoughts. I began meditating and practicing self-soothing, calming behaviors. I began exercising to manage MS, which flourished into a full-on love affair with hiking and being outside. I found Beauty Redefined where I learned that my body is an instrument: not an ornament.

This has been baby steps for years. I learned that there wasn't a destination--this is something I'll fight the rest of my life and it's something I must work on each day.

MS was the greatest gift. I started to love (gasp) my body. I made peace with the fact I take up a little more space. I was not born petite, I have a larger bone structure, curves, and that's ok. I'm finally comfortable in my skin. I love being strong. MS is scary. Sometimes MS is so bad that it's hard to walk, so it's a triumph when I can hike, bike, walk and move. Many with MS cannot. I am blessed and I treasure my mobility. My glorious flawed body houses my beautiful spirit, my creative soul, my brilliant mind. My body carried children, has made it through many surgeries, has allowed me many opportunities--what a tremendous blessing that I never want to take for granted again. Furthermore, I am more than a dress size, than a silhouette, AND if anyone judges or classifies me as such--they're not worth having in my life.

Maybe you have already experienced similar struggles. Maybe you're just waking up to the fact. Maybe you don't want to hurt anymore. There are so many facets to my body image issues, and so many things I do to cope with it all on a daily basis. Let me share some of my hard and fast guidelines to help me manage this challenge.

Do the Work: This doesn't magically go away. Get tools, get educated and then actually work. This might include journaling, positive affirmations, checking and evaluating your thought process. Freebie: it's not actually your body, it's your thoughts.

Avoid things/events that place your value on your size: I steer clear of weight loss competitions, food tracking, even weighing myself on a scale. For me, these will all trigger compulsive, perfectionist, and even dishonest, behavior. It's not worth it.
I'm not where I can weigh less and not feel good or weigh more and feel mountains of shame and self-loathing. I'm fully aware of what healthy eating looks like and when my body size is moving up or down. I make changes accordingly, but never based on how I feel about my size or a number.

Watch how you talk and watch your conversations: I try to avoid weight loss or body-shaming conversations. You want to talk healthy eating or exercise because it feels good to your body? I'm in. Body shaming conversations...I try to work my way out. Likewise I don't talk crap on myself--especially in front of my kids. I do try to praise others and speak body-positive and emphasize functionality, not appearance. It's hard, but be mindful.


Watch what/who you follow on social media: About a year or so ago I cleaned house...again:) I stopped following any accounts that promote comparison, make me feel shame, trigger trauma or emphasize the body for the sake of the body (meaning girls who just post bikini pictures of themselves). I don't do any "#fitspiration", "#bigisbeautiful" the before/after weight loss, etc. because it's really just about bodies being bodies and it takes the human element out. None of these people are bad, but their accounts don't do anything to educate or aid me in my personal journey, so peace out. I should add too that "beauty" magazines objectify and tend to be full of crap--I'd recommend avoiding them.

Do be afraid to leave and/or speak up: As a recovering people-pleaser I had a hard time saying no and had a hard time walking away when a conversation or situation made me uncomfortable. Case in point. I was at a church event a couple years ago. A man was talking to his wife and another woman. I was there too because I had been sitting with them. The conversation was all about how beautiful both women are, how he knows they just had to beat the boys off, what a struggle it must have been to constantly reject guys. He looked at both of them, pausing a moment to make eye contact as he touted their beauty. Then...then he looked at me, narrowed his eyes, and quickly looked away--intentionally dismissing me. I was clearly not part of the beautiful women club. I felt small, ugly--my mind went back to past rejections growing up. It hurt. I knew this guy is not an all-accepting man. The moment he sat down and turned the conversation was when I should have left. This man had been cutting to me before, I did not need to sit there and take it. Good lesson learned. Now I'm more aware and politely remove myself or speak up in conversations that will belittle me, belittle others or objectify.

Now, this is my experience, it may not be yours and that's ok. I still have a lot of work to do like better mastery of my thoughts so I am not defaulting to unhealthy ways of thinking. I also want to get better at complimenting others in a more meaningful way, etc.

I do know that 5 years of pretty intense work has put me in a far better place and I'm grateful. I do know that having MS took the emphasize off the aesthetic of my body and more on function and I am thankful for that too. It's hard in the world today, but I know there is a better way...and for those that are hurting, there is healing for you too. Wishing you all the best:)

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MS & Healing my Body Image Issues