On Depression

I never realize how long I go between posts, there is much to update. Thanks for reading about my continuing saga about life with MS!

First of all, many with MS struggle with depression for many reasons. I wrote in my last post that I had been struggling too. This last bout has been one of the worst.

Depression, for me, usually means excessive emotion, dark thoughts, feelings of failure (which, oddly enough, is the worst when I'm sitting in church), lack of appetite, every hurt is magnified, increased fatigue,feeling hopeless/despair, etc.

I took a turn for the worse in late March. Justin (my hubs) and I were sitting in a theater. It was an emotional part of a movie and everyone was crying or teary, except me. I was numb.

I was numb at church, school, with family. Everything felt very hazy and muddy. I am a woman of faith, but even God seemed silent. I kept praying, kept working, kept living, but it was a mess. I put on a good show, I don't think many noticed anything different.

Finally a foothold appeared when I realized that emotional numbness is not normal for me.

I opened up for the first time to two doctors that manage my care, to my therapist, husband, parents, and a few trusted friends. I got help. I started looking at a root cause and was able to eliminate some things: situational depression (not this time), depression due to my brain lesions (nope, my lesions are not in my emotional center and are not growing), etc.

However, my immune system is attacking my thyroid, and blood work showed my hormones were WAY off. I decided to try bio-identical hormone replacement.

So far, so good. I feel like myself again and I am so grateful. I had no concept of how bad things were until I started to pull out of it. I know what works to maintain my mood and that's part of my daily routine now. If it comes back again, despite hormonal balance, I'll be looking at anti-depressants.

I'm sharing this because I'd like you to keep an eye out. Even the strongest, most stable people can struggle. If someone starts not attending things they normally do, if they seems very quiet, if their personality seems a little different--don't be afraid to talk to them, ask, reach out. Just being told that I was understood and it was going to be ok meant a lot. I didn't get it. I do now and I'll be far more aware and ready to help.

I stumbled across this book when I needed it the most. It's Jane Clayson Johnson's "Silent Souls Weeping" where she write about her own battle with depression, interviews many others who have suffered with depression, and gives a wealth of resources. If you had or are struggling with depression or want to understand what depression is like, don't hesitate to read this book. It is written from a Christian point-of-view, but the information is broad and covers major aspects of depression. 

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On Depression