6 Years & Being Not Awesome

It's 4am...again. I wake up unexpectedly for the second morning in a row and can't fall back asleep.  Rolling out of my warm cocoon of a bed, I plod downstairs, open my Mac and warm a mug of water for tea and write. The only sound is the gentle humming of the ice machine on the counter, the glow of the entry way light in night mode and that slight buzz of silence. It's oddly peaceful, cathartic even. It's as if time is suspended and I am granted a moment of stillness before launching into what will be a very busy day. I wrote this post, published, deleted and am writing again. It's my record of living with a disease, and I want to be real-- not to solicit pity, but to cultivate understanding and empathy.

It's been 6 years now and today is my MS-iversary. A time to reflect, acknowledge and move forward. This is a big deal to me as 6 years ago, curled up in the fetal position getting a spinal tap, I didn't know what the future would bring. There's a lot to celebrate: walking, working full time at a job I love with new job duties I love even more, still married (yes, divorce after diagnosis is a thing), managing symptoms (which are annoying but not debilitating), and moving through the minutia of life with varying degrees of success.

I have RRMS (relapse-remitting)--the less scary subset of MS. MRI's are soon, which always stress me out. Laying in a tube so long (they MRI my cervical spine and brain) is uncomfortable and the results can be scary. Luckily, I have done enough work that I can go to a place in my head and stay there until I am finished. I hate the moment I first go in and feel like I'm going to suffocate...and I'm allergic to contrast, so that's an entirely different stress and something I have to prepare well in advance for. I'll use a sick day for it next week, which I hate to do, but in order to tolerate the contrast I have to start a high dose steroid burst and I don't like navigating the side-effects in front of my students. The ghostly white skin, headaches, crazy energy (best to use that one at home cleaning, lol) and whatever else I'll do this time around--it'll be better to be home before the hospital.

I started yoga and have an instructor I really like. Seeing her the day after Thanksgiving, I asked how she was. She smiled and said, "You know...not awesome." 

It made me pause. I know what it feels like to feel not awesome--not terrible, but not great, and it's ok to acknowledge that.

For those newly diagnosed who were referred here, or friends/family following my journey--I do want to acknowledge the reality of where I am and share my next steps.

I am a little more worried about my MRI results, I've noticed subtle shifting and I hope it's not progression. I've been 6 years with no progression and I'd love to stay there. However, I'm a little less steady--few falls, but sometimes I think I've moved my feet, and they don't move, or I'm walking and feel disconnected from my legs. I have some muscle pain in the front of my legs I haven't had before. Going up and down stairs requires more mental power than I'll admit. To combat this--I keep moving. I make myself do at least one flight of stairs up and down at school. I know I've got to use it or lose it. I try to walk with my pup every day. The cold temps make it hard, but I have to keep moving.

Navigating my inability to regulate my body temperature is brutal. MS patients can't tolerate heat. Through trail and error, my limit is 85 degrees, then I've gotta go inside. However, heat warms me up and I always feel the best in warm, buttery sunshine. I long for a world of eternal summer. Some with MS struggle with cold--me included. MS + RA is brutal. Not being able to get warm causes shivers, muscle contraction/spasms and joint pain. With the exception of back issues, it causes the only pain I deal with. Heat stops me in my tracks, I cool down, I sleep and I'm ok. The cold? It's relentless. I layer, move, drink tea--all the things--but I still feel like I'm constantly dodging the pain that cold brings. I live in the desert in Southern Utah. I'm not dealing with snow, ice and it's crazy to me that every year between Nov-March is so hard. I just dread it.

The reality of living with bone-melting fatigue is taxing. MS fatigue is not just being tired, it's like your body's auto mode moves to manual, and instead of just functioning independently, you have to steer the ship. There are times I have to tell my legs to move to get me to the car after a long day at work, or I'm so tired when I get home that I have to just sit. I miss out on stuff, I say no to things--it's an entirely different way of living for me. I am a recovering Type A personality after all. It's embarrassing, annoying and self-defeating. It makes me feel weak, and I don't like feeling weak or old. It helps to move more. I teach every other day and on the off-days I am an instructional coach helping new teachers teach and supporting my faculty. I get to walk around and move more those days, and I am so grateful. More movement seems counterintuitive, but it makes all the difference. I try to eat well, use good supplements, etc. but the fatigue is an ever-present thorn in my side.

Other symptoms are par for the course with MS: bladder/bowel issues (right now I'm in a standoff with my urologist on next steps--more to come there) which are annoying, but not a functional issue; glitches in memory and speech, vocal disorder, vitamin absorption/blood level issues, depression, sensory overwhelm, eye nerve issues, etc. By and large, I'm managing symptoms well, it's just management and mindset. 

Wins: I've discovered yoga and an MS specific muscle-building program that I am excited about and have added to my routine. I have high hopes to hike again--missed that one a lot. I'm constantly readjusting my diet. Still gluten-free and dairy-free. I've put on a little weight I can't kick. My biggest issue is lack of appetite. I don't overeat, but my combo of supplements takes my appetite away. I have a very difficult time eating more than once a day. This has not translated to weight loss, lol. Lots of work to do there.

By and large, it's a beautiful life with a massive roadblock I navigate the best I can. As always, all thanks to God and my Savior for their guidance--they've never steered me wrong. I appreciate my partner, Justin, for making it all more normalized and for my kids, family and friends for cheering me on.

So...6 years down and many more to go:) I hope a cure is found, but if not, I'll find peace in the not-awesomeness of it all.

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6 Years & Being Not Awesome

4 years of MS, Neuro Rehab and Acceptance

This is long past due, but here we go!

November 30th marked 4 years of MS. My annual MRI's showed zero progression--which is a blessing! I'll take that!

I've been on Tecfidera since July, and after a hellish start, the medication seems to be working and my MS symptoms are minimal. Unless symptoms surge, I'm on twice a year visits and annual MRI's.

However, I had fallen a few times this Fall...on hikes, going up stairs, in the hall of my school, lol--mercifully no one saw that one! Falls are serious with MS because they can indicate progression. When I saw Kelsie, my Neuro PA, she said that because my scans were clear, it might just be an MS symptom and I could benefit from Neuro Rehab to help the PT's there pinpoint the issues and give me tools to walk better and stave off further problems.

On Neuro Rehab

Enter Anrqiue and Nanette--I couldn't have asked for two more kind, understanding, rock star physical therapists. I did about 6 weeks in NR from Jan-Feb. where I gained serious tools for the future.

They work with MS patients and the level of their understanding was astounding. Because I look normal, appear chipper and healthy, most people don't get the struggle, but they did. It wasn't my walking gait that was off, it's managing fatigue. MS fatigue is a beast. Evidently fatigue is also an RA thing, so I have a double-whammy. When I get tired, I get sloppy and I fall. From changing how I hike (the Anrique 15/5 method is my new go-to--ask me if you're curious), to how I walk, to how I stretch--I've made some big changes that are helping me. 

It was really humbling to be there. Neuro Rehab is where neurological patients are sent, so whether it's stroke recovery, TBI or life-long disability, that's where they go. Oftentimes I was the youngest and/or the most able-bodied there. I saw patients with disabilities do the most amazing things, I saw stroke victims learn to walk again. It made me profoundly grateful and in awe of what the human spirit can accomplish. They inspired me. Being able to walk is a gift that I never want to take for granted again.

On Acceptance

I'm confronting some larger issues. I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment because of MS and now, RA. I don't like being the sick one; I don't like having to walk slower (I used to be the fastest walker/talker); I don't like taking the elevator; I don't like people looking at me like I talk about having a disease for sympathy or attention. It's been a lot of work to accept that I have a disease that isn't going away. In fact, it might progress and I do have symptoms to manage every day. It never, ever stops. 

But, it's ok.

It's ok that I adjust as needed. It's ok if no one understands. It's ok to slow down and take care of myself. With the recent diagnosis of RA (see below) and major, major challenges on the home front with my kids, I feel like my dreams have shifted a bit. My ambition is tempered right now, and that's ok too. I think this is one of the most difficult seasons of my life, but I remind myself that this too shall pass and I'm going to be ok.

Yes, I'm still teaching high school and it's my calm in the storm. It's the one place where I feel less stress, fairly competent, and pretty happy. I get asked if I'll retire on disability. Nope:) I feel my health is not negatively affecting me at work and teaching gives me purpose. It's my life-calling and I really love it. 

On RA (sigh)

Speaking of ok, I'm now a triple threat: MS, Hashimoto's Thyroid and now a diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA).

There's not an eye roll long enough to sum up my feelings here.

However, I also feel incredible relief because a lot of things now make sense. 4 years ago the intense joint pain/fever/fatigue/nausea that would come and go without pattern was what I deemed an MS "flare". My neurologist was a little iffy about that and said that join pain usually isn't an MS thing because it's not neurological. This led me on a path of trying to figure it out.

The joint pain sickness is what keeps me home, why I cancel events, why I feel sick, why I might have to spend time in bed on vacation (I hate that one), and continues to give me a lot of grief.

My amazing internist and I have tried to figure this out. Based on join pain, we fixed my thyroid, balanced my hormones, but still the pain and symptoms persisted.

Dr. Paradela looked at in October and said, "We've got to send you to someone smarter than me." Lol, is there anyone smarter? Doubtful.

She sent me to Dr. Pickrell, Rheumatologist, from SLC who visits St. George. Paradela assured me he's the best in the business and would figure this out. 

Sure enough, mercifully a week later, I was sitting in front of Dr. Paul Pickrell. He was sharp, funny and talked a mile a minute--I loved it. As I started to tell him my symptoms (which are so weird and sporadic that I felt a little crazy) he just nodded his head and rapidly felt the joints on my hands and feet.

He confidently told me I met all the markers (intermittent joint pain accompanied by fever, severe flu-like symptoms, fatigue) for a rare form of RA called Palindrome Rheumatism. It tends to be found in MS patients with Hashimoto's thyroid. Sigh.

Dr. P ordered bloodwork and hand ultrasounds, but said I might look good on paper (of course I do, ha ha) and that sometimes the other conditions will mask PR. He said he enjoyed the validation, but regardless, I'd be diagnosed with this and treated accordingly--immediately. 

He smiled (at least I'm assuming that what was happening under the mask) and said it is totally treatable with a medication with little side effect, will give me energy, mental clarity, take away the joint pain and even throw in some weight loss. Oh, and it's an anti-malaria in case I want to expand my travel options.

I thought to myself..."is this meth?"

Then Dr. P went off about Trump letting these secret out on this wonder-drug and if everyone used it we'd run out. It's the drug that Trump pushed to treat Covid.

Yep, it's hydroxychloroquine.

Dr. P then went off on Trump and I won't lie, I loved every minute of it and nodded my head in agreement. I might have given an "amen." Y'all know I am not a fan of Trump.

Now, here's where it gets interesting. Dr. P told me his weekend gig was with Pfizer and he's a medical supervisor for the Covid vaccine trials--what, what? He told me he was on the phone with Dr. Fauci and they were having some disagreements. I was just laughing at this point. Pickrell did tell me that in trials, auto-immune disease patients had massive relapses on the vaccine, so ponder that one. 

I will not be taking the vaccine.

You've heard of the 6 Degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon? Well, now I'm 2 degrees from Fauci. Very exciting.

Dr. P looked me in the eye and said that the 2nd week of February will be the best week of my life.

Huh? My 24th anniversary? I mean...

Evidently wonder drug takes a couple months to build up in your system and reprogram the troops.

I didn't freak out. It wasn't full-on RA, just a weird subset that doesn't cause damage and the medication would cure it. Yay!

December...my diagnostic appointment was cancelled. 

January...it was cancelled again. In a strange turn of events, Dr. P left SG to work fulltime for Pfizer and I talked to a new doctor.

I found out that Dr. P jumped the gun. I don't have PR, I really do have full-on Rheumatoid Arthritis. I'm negative factor, which is good-ish? It's another AI that doesn't leave, must be managed and can cause permanent joint damage, heart/lung issues, etc.

Because I had set it my head that this wasn't a big deal, getting a full diagnosis was shocking--not MS shocking, but upsetting..

I had a flare in January that put me down for 2 weeks. I could barely walk into my school in the mornings, had to take a couple of days off and spent that time completely dropping the ball in every aspect of my life until it passed. I was in more pain with more severe nausea than I'd ever had. I started to get very worried.

Luckily it passed. It's February 20th now and I haven't had pain for almost a month. I'm assuming the hydro-meth is doing it's job.

Current Status

Yes, the cold bothers me considerably. The desert-cold feels like a sharp knife. Because of MS, I can't regulate my body temperature and warm-up & the RA allows cold to seep into my joints and it's unpleasant. Yes, I realize I'm literally in the warmest place in America, but it's still hard for me. Heat is way easier to manage. Yes, my end-game is still to retire to Hawaii.

For the record, the second week of February was great. Justin and I celebrated in San Diego. He took me to the sea, it was lovely. We ate vegan food, went to all our favorite beaches and I didn't hurt or get sick...not even once!

What I'm worried about is having 3 diseases and I'm worried that maybe the immuno-suppression drug I'm on for MS is protecting my CNS but then pushing my immune system to attack my joints. What happens when my immune system is reprogrammed away from joints? Will it attack something else?

I'm researching and praying about perhaps stopping medicine to see if it can be managed otherwise. 

I've always been an Eastern-medicine lovin' kinda gal and I am not thrilled with being on more than one medication that is doing who-knows-what inside of me. 

I'm frustrated because I can't seem to lose weight either. Sheesh, with having so many food restrictions, I should at least be thinner, but no luck. However, the more pressing concern is feeling well and praying the RA tsunami doesn't return.

So, life goes on. My focus is on researching the next step, connecting with God to guide me and trying to be the best parent I can be as I support my kids with some very difficult issues.

If you made it to the end of this, thank you. Thank you for being my friend (some are family too) and supporting me. Thanks for seeing me despite the acronyms and believing in me. I appreciate you.

I'll continue on, as you are, and continue to have faith that things will work out and appreciate the small victories.

God bless:) 

I've gotta give a shout-out to my 2nd cousin, Katrina. We are a week apart, both teachers and both have MS--crazy, huh! Katrina was diagnosed earlier this year and handled it like a rock star. She came down in January and visited me when I was so, so sick from an RA flare. I treasure her friendship and support!!

MS cousins and friends:) 

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4 years of MS, Neuro Rehab and Acceptance

MS & Healing my Body Image Issues

MS Update: I spent 4 wks on Tecfidera horrifically sick and not functioning. July was basically a total wash. So, you know you can be overdosed? Evidently, under-dosing is a thing too. I finally just had a strong nudge to titrate up my dosages and within a couple days the nausea vanished, joint pain faded and my energy was back. I started back with 2-4 mile daily hikes and felt blissfully normal and ready to start teaching again mid August. I could literally weep with relief. I've made peace with Techfidera, my MS symptoms and quiet and life is as normal as it gets before school starts...school with masks, sigh. There's another post for another day.

I wanted to share my story about body image. I heard a fantastic interview with therapist Amy Harman (@amyharmanlmft) on Geoff Steurer's (my amazing therapist @geoffsteurer) Illuminate Podcast. Go listen to it. She just came out with a book "Perfectly Imperfect" which addresses body image issues and practical ideas on how to deal with it. It made me reflect on my own journey and thought it was time to share on a more public forum. Here we go:


There was yet another weight loss challenge on my work email: Let's support each other getting healthy! $25 to enter, weight loss winner gets the prize! For a moment, I thought about it. I looked at the list of fellow teachers who had already committed. Who could I beat? Who has more to lose? I could get by on one meal a day for a while...

Stop. Just stop.

I had come too far already. I hit the delete button.

One more thing I had changed.

It started pre-puberty. An off-hand comment. Looking in the mirror and seeing my reflection and thinking not enough. I'm not enough.

This fractured thought process carried into adolescence where I was swept into comparison and was forever chasing the elusive "perfect" body. I mistreated my body, and experienced what I now know is body dysmorphia.

As an adult, my body image became crippling. Pregnancies, thyroid and hormonal issues, as well as poor diet and exercise, caused me to balloon, only reinforcing my self-image that I was too fat, not pretty, and not good enough...never good enough.

I thought being skinny would change everything, so I tried every diet under the sun, every weight loss supplement I could get my hands on. I put my poor body through the ringer as I was constantly trying to become smaller. I thought so little of myself for so long. I didn't see the beauty that was there. Being treated poorly by others due to my weight/appearance continued throughout my adult life. Instead of calling it out for what it was, I just internalized the negative experiences and chalked it up to validating the horrible perception I had of myself.

To off-set my negative body image, I had to draw people's attention away from what I looked like. So, as a teen I started to develop a larger-than-life personality. I was the funny one, the louder one, the smart one, the super-people-pleasing one--anything to get attention off my appearance. I was, as Brene Brown puts it so well, "hustling for my worthiness." I became a Type A perfectionist, determined to be the smartest, most together, most dependable woman in the room because I sure as hell wouldn't be the prettiest.

I created a whole life around avoidance. I became a skilled photographer to avoid being photographed. I avoided shopping as much as I could (still don't enjoy it) and wore clothes to hide. My normally sunny, outgoing personality started to turn inward. I avoided crowds and gathering and about died when I was asked to be a Cubmaster with the BSA branch of my church. I had to get in front of people every month and be super goofy. I was so embarrassed, and felt like a linebacker in my tan scout attire. Between avoiding things, putting on a show and always managing counting calories, etc. it became a very difficult way to live and it was all very sad.

Luckily, something deep inside won out and I returned to college to become a teacher. I had to somehow be ok with being in front of people. By 2012 I had graduated, gained some confidence and started teaching. I found very accepting 7th graders and began to be able to not worry about myself when I was in front of them. This started the very beginning of healing.

In 2015 I experienced trauma that forced me to confront many things--one of which was extreme body images issues. This began my path to lasting awareness and healing. 2015 was a lot about self-discovery and realizing the problem. In late 2016, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and everything changed.

My body had always felt like the enemy. It was bulky and I felt unattractive. It was a crappy package for who I thought I was inside. Read my blog, but in short, MS is a neurological disease where your immune system perceives the body to be the foreign invader and attacks the myelin sheathing of nerves. My body was destroying itself from the inside out--get the irony there?

I had to do a MASSIVE mindset shift. I needed to take care of my body to manage my MS. Yes, there are medications, but I didn't want to be on tons of drugs, quit my job and go on disability (which many suggested). My unwillingness to give up was greater than my body image issues, so I began changing.

It started by flooding my body with nutrition. I drastically made diet changes. I didn't eat to reward myself, I didn't starve to punish myself. I started to eat to nourish.

I worked with a therapist about body image issues and perfectionist behavior. I began following Jason Seib's Body Beliefs and started doing massive work on my thoughts. I began meditating and practicing self-soothing, calming behaviors. I began exercising to manage MS, which flourished into a full-on love affair with hiking and being outside. I found Beauty Redefined where I learned that my body is an instrument: not an ornament.

This has been baby steps for years. I learned that there wasn't a destination--this is something I'll fight the rest of my life and it's something I must work on each day.

MS was the greatest gift. I started to love (gasp) my body. I made peace with the fact I take up a little more space. I was not born petite, I have a larger bone structure, curves, and that's ok. I'm finally comfortable in my skin. I love being strong. MS is scary. Sometimes MS is so bad that it's hard to walk, so it's a triumph when I can hike, bike, walk and move. Many with MS cannot. I am blessed and I treasure my mobility. My glorious flawed body houses my beautiful spirit, my creative soul, my brilliant mind. My body carried children, has made it through many surgeries, has allowed me many opportunities--what a tremendous blessing that I never want to take for granted again. Furthermore, I am more than a dress size, than a silhouette, AND if anyone judges or classifies me as such--they're not worth having in my life.

Maybe you have already experienced similar struggles. Maybe you're just waking up to the fact. Maybe you don't want to hurt anymore. There are so many facets to my body image issues, and so many things I do to cope with it all on a daily basis. Let me share some of my hard and fast guidelines to help me manage this challenge.

Do the Work: This doesn't magically go away. Get tools, get educated and then actually work. This might include journaling, positive affirmations, checking and evaluating your thought process. Freebie: it's not actually your body, it's your thoughts.

Avoid things/events that place your value on your size: I steer clear of weight loss competitions, food tracking, even weighing myself on a scale. For me, these will all trigger compulsive, perfectionist, and even dishonest, behavior. It's not worth it.
I'm not where I can weigh less and not feel good or weigh more and feel mountains of shame and self-loathing. I'm fully aware of what healthy eating looks like and when my body size is moving up or down. I make changes accordingly, but never based on how I feel about my size or a number.

Watch how you talk and watch your conversations: I try to avoid weight loss or body-shaming conversations. You want to talk healthy eating or exercise because it feels good to your body? I'm in. Body shaming conversations...I try to work my way out. Likewise I don't talk crap on myself--especially in front of my kids. I do try to praise others and speak body-positive and emphasize functionality, not appearance. It's hard, but be mindful.


Watch what/who you follow on social media: About a year or so ago I cleaned house...again:) I stopped following any accounts that promote comparison, make me feel shame, trigger trauma or emphasize the body for the sake of the body (meaning girls who just post bikini pictures of themselves). I don't do any "#fitspiration", "#bigisbeautiful" the before/after weight loss, etc. because it's really just about bodies being bodies and it takes the human element out. None of these people are bad, but their accounts don't do anything to educate or aid me in my personal journey, so peace out. I should add too that "beauty" magazines objectify and tend to be full of crap--I'd recommend avoiding them.

Do be afraid to leave and/or speak up: As a recovering people-pleaser I had a hard time saying no and had a hard time walking away when a conversation or situation made me uncomfortable. Case in point. I was at a church event a couple years ago. A man was talking to his wife and another woman. I was there too because I had been sitting with them. The conversation was all about how beautiful both women are, how he knows they just had to beat the boys off, what a struggle it must have been to constantly reject guys. He looked at both of them, pausing a moment to make eye contact as he touted their beauty. Then...then he looked at me, narrowed his eyes, and quickly looked away--intentionally dismissing me. I was clearly not part of the beautiful women club. I felt small, ugly--my mind went back to past rejections growing up. It hurt. I knew this guy is not an all-accepting man. The moment he sat down and turned the conversation was when I should have left. This man had been cutting to me before, I did not need to sit there and take it. Good lesson learned. Now I'm more aware and politely remove myself or speak up in conversations that will belittle me, belittle others or objectify.

Now, this is my experience, it may not be yours and that's ok. I still have a lot of work to do like better mastery of my thoughts so I am not defaulting to unhealthy ways of thinking. I also want to get better at complimenting others in a more meaningful way, etc.

I do know that 5 years of pretty intense work has put me in a far better place and I'm grateful. I do know that having MS took the emphasize off the aesthetic of my body and more on function and I am thankful for that too. It's hard in the world today, but I know there is a better way...and for those that are hurting, there is healing for you too. Wishing you all the best:)

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MS & Healing my Body Image Issues

MS in the Time of Corona & Current Status

Time to catch up on documenting my MS journey for those of you following along with me, so thanks for reading. Lots to say...buckle-up.

Justin and I at Gunlock Falls after spring rain in March.

I'd been doing well, basically smooth sailing as we moved into COVID. Having a chronic disease that has rendered you immunodeficient has been, well, scary. I had to do some mental work and remind myself not to live in fear. It's a decision I made when I was diagnosed. There is a lot to be afraid about when it comes to MS. If the disease progresses I could lose my mobility, my career, my cognitive ability, sigh. Now a fear of catching a disease that might take me out? It's a little much. Learning to live with the unknown has been a long and painful process for me. I tend to default to fear, so I had to pull myself out and keep moving forward.

Here's the virtual Mrs. Robins with tech glasses
because I learned screen time gives me headaches.
This might have been the last good hair day I had. 

As far as precautions in the time of Corona, I did begin working from home as schools closed. Teaching online is another blog post for another day. I rocked it the best I could, but the fact is I missed my kids and I missed my teacher friends and I missed the energy I get from people. That being said, health-wise it was great to sleep in, to get those morning walk/hikes and be away from people as Spring has notoriously been the WORST time of the year for me. I think it's a combination of allergy season plus prolonged exposure to kids and just overall fatigue. I always crash during spring, heal during summer...so no complaints there. I also secretly hate to shop (and cook if I'm being honest), so I was thrilled to have Justin step-up and take care of shopping AND I did my part as a good citizen to order takeout and maybe go to Swig often, by often, I really mean daily.

Big news! For several reasons it was time to switch-up my career. When a vertical promotion was no longer an option, it pushed me to do what I've always wanted to do: teach high school English. We have a new high school in my community I've had my eye on, the stars aligned and I've landed exactly where I need to be: Crimson Cliffs High School. I'm beyond excited to recharge my passion for teaching and teach older kids the higher-level literature and writing I love the most. I am SO EXCITED! My entire summer has been prepping and I still feel like I'm not there yet, but it'll all work out. I did tell my administrator and new team about MS and everyone has been wonderfully supportive.

Spring was rough...really rough...melting into an equally rough summer.

Minor challenges: Sally, my bulldog, had cancerous mammary tumors, surgery and recovery--which was more work than I thought, lol! AND I am allergic to dogs, so having her inside for a bit was tricky. She's great--outside again, balance restored.

Master bed/bathroom remodel--It's been years coming. It will be lovely. We have relocated to Nate's room, on a smaller bed, surrounded by baby Yoda posters. All my nice clothes are packed up and I've been living in the same 3 pairs of yoga pants all summer. Project status: still ongoing.

There was sadness too as a dear friend in my ward passed this summer from a long, courageous battle with cancer.

Disappointments with cancelled events, trips, missed opportunity, not really saying goodbye to a school community I love, watching kids struggle, school ending on a weird note, national conflicts, missing connections, etc.

I've been having major struggles with my kids. Huge ones. Some are ongoing. With three teens, there are bound to be challenges, but I got hit with a couple I never anticipated and it has been one freaking rough road. I'm trusting God and tapping into all my resources to help them.

Heaven help me. Despite challenges,
they are everything to me.

I had some weirdness with health. It started with heart palpitations which were uncomfortable and scary. Was it stress? Was it Copaxone? Was it my beloved Sonic Neuro drinks? Eventually it passed but it took a couple months.

I was formally diagnosed with a speech disorder, related to MS and working in a career where I talk--a lot. I basically have vocal fatigue, short-out and have a gravelly voice. I've been doing speech therapy all summer and am hoping for a better school year.

Then, out of nowhere, I started reacting to my Copaxone shots. Not just randomly, but each time. After my night shot I'd start having muscle spasms and uncontrollable shakes. It was awful. Usually taking Aleve and benedryl staves it off, but it continued.

The numbness came back.
I've become used to a life with minimal numbness. In May, my original numbness from my calves down came back, as well as numbness in waves.

When I was diagnosed, my neurologist said she wasn't sure if I'd get full sensation back, but I did, and suddenly having that tangible reminder of what was still around was not appreciated.

My neurology team and I decided it was a sign to switch MS meds. I was discouraged. I really planned on shots for the next 30 years because Copaxone had worked beautifully with few side effects.

I started on Tecfidera--an oral medication. First week, no prob besides flushing, which is ridiculous because I already tend to be shades of red (always) on my own. The flushing is like a stinging--like your whole face is on fire. Sucky, but not long lasting.

Flushing side effect. Like I'm not already
red enough on my own! Sigh. This one
stings, super weird. 

I did have a hilarious conversation with a very nice Tecfidera rep when I started asking exactly how the medication works. I knew Copaxone inside and out. I didn't really get a clear response. This drug seems to be mostly magical (insert eye-roll) and scientists can't really explain how it works. Turns out it kind of reprograms you on a cellular level. Too much to write, but it works differently that  Copaxone.

Week 2 (first week in July) is where you "titrate up" going from 120 mg. x 2 a day to 240 mg. x 2 a day. Matt (my oldest) had just had a wicked stomach flu. I had lovingly cared for him and enjoyed it because he's my boy and he's almost 20 and will be leaving on an LDS mission soon, it's my time to shine as a mom, as I probably won't have these hey-mom-I'm-sick moments any longer:)

I also started Keto eating that day--which has been proven to aid anti-inflammatory diets which help those with auto-immune diseases. By that night I was violently ill with the WORST stomach flu of my mortal life. I'm still shuttering when I think about the Keto food that I saw twice.

As evidenced in my blog, y'all know I do a ton to stay healthy. Consequently, I rarely get sick, but when I do? It's bad.

This was bad. I won't give you the details but I lost about 10 lbs. in 3 days, crawled up my stairs, spent time lying on the floor. Justin and the kids were good to help, but it knocked me out. It lasted a week.

Home away from home...
testing at the hospital.

My neurologist said to pull off the full dose of Tec because it can cause stomach problems as your body adjusts.

Weeks 3-4: I was weak and started having massive fatigue and joint pain...and nightly fevers. What the ?? Yes, I was tested for COVID--it's not that. I just got bloodwork last week that showed all sorts of weirdness with my liver numbers, etc. I'm worried.

This is the longest I've gone in almost 4 years without daily walks/hikes. It's throwing me off. The fatigue is so intense I can barely get around.

I'll talk to my neurologist on Monday. The Tec site says the initial side effects are rough (including possible hair loss--oh please no, I cannot lose more hair!) but if you stick with it, they'll go away and this drug is supposed to have great rates of success.

However, I'll start teaching again, soon--in a mask to try to protect myself. It's a new school, new kids, new curriculum. It's a lot.

I've been fighting discouragement. Depression is still at bay, thank the good Lord, which is a miracle to me in light of immense family relationship stress--which has reached crisis level with one child.

I didn't realize how very well I function with MS, until I suddenly am not.

I took my morning hour long hikes/walks for granted.

Finding turtles during days when I had more energy.
I'll get there again. Side note: record high of 9 turtle sightings
this summer!! They are my spirit animal:) 

I miss having energy to work out, come home and clean, run errands, parent/wife, do lesson prep, cook food, etc. That's a normal day for me.

I haven't had one of those days since June.

MS is a thing. It's not crippling and it doesn't stop me, but it has this month.

I know, I know this is small potatoes right now AND it could be 10x worse in many different ways AND it's happening in summer not mid school year. Thankful for that!

I've been reaching out to other Tec patients and reading more about how your body can adjust and, unless my liver function or white blood cell counts plummet, this all might pass. I'm just hoping it's soon.

I want to just maverick-it and go off medicine entirely. However, because the numbness came rushing back, I feel like I'm holding back a tide and it feels too risky to just try it without right now. I haven't been stable long enough.

I'm humbled. I'm choosing to have faith and not be scared about when this will pass, what school will be like, will I get COVID because I'm teaching??

I'm praying--a lot.

I'm not beating myself up for not getting done as much as I'd like to or dropping the ball or not being as involved mom as I normally am. I'm not beating myself up for weight either. Body image issues as well as a need to eat healthy is an ongoing thing for me and I'm letting go of the worry about "am I gaining or not?" right now there are things bigger than a number on a scale.

I'm appreciating the little things and enjoying what I did do that day.

I'm reminding myself that this will pass and this current condition will not be my forever.

95% of navigating life with an illness that can disrupt plans and throw you on a dime is attitude.

I've been thinking of the scripture story of the woman with an issue of blood. She touched the Savior's robe and was healed. I feel her so much. I'd chase Him down, crawl after Him...anything to have this gone and for Him to heal my child too. I've got so much faith man, so much. But, it takes faith to not be healed. It takes faith to trust God to show me one step at a time what I should do. It takes faith to trust that this is a learning experience and that this will pass. It takes faith to trust that I don't have all the answers and that this double whammy with one of my kids and my health will indeed resolve and pass.

So, still here, still me, still striving.
I'll post an update soon.
Thanks for reading and God bless.

Been hiking a lot with my mom, which I treasure. I have MS, she's had
multiple knee/back surgeries, so I'm super proud of what we've done
this summer. This was my favorite hike with her: Aspiration Trail.


How I love my desert home.
Looking forward to seeing beautiful mornings again soon.

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MS in the Time of Corona & Current Status

3 years of MS, Hysterectomy and the New Year!

3 years into a lifetime journey with a chronic illness. 3 years and I'm still fighting, I'm in remission and I have full mobility. This is always a time of year for me of reflection, re-evaluation and immense gratitude. 

If you are new to the blog, I have RRMS (relapse-remitting multiple sclerosis) spinal (many lesions) and brain (fewer lesions.) MRI's showed my disease is remitting right now: yay! My latest Insta post gives a good summary of my current status (see below).

I was thrown for a loop this October when my uterus prolapsed. This is my second pelvic prolapse in 2 years, so I'm headed to pelvic rehab later this month...good times. After meeting with my gyeno, we decided that surgery was needed as soon as possible. So, the next week I was in the hospital, prepping for surgery.

Surgery with MS and a compromised immune system is tricky. The surgery went well. Dr. Brown with Valley OB in St. George is a saint. Such a kind and caring doctor, who understands how MS factors into everything. I did struggle with breathing after surgery and staying awake:) My chatty, disoriented state kept Justin laughing. Unfortunately a couple days after surgery I became very ill. I cannot take antibiotics unless it's critical because I've learned that antibiotics flare my MS, which can be catastrophic. So, it look me 4 weeks to feel normal again and it was rough. 

Usually I can fight sickness with high vitamin doses. This time, because I was also healing from an invasive surgery, things did not heal as quickly as I'd hoped despite two infusion and more vitamins that I can count. I was out of school (I am a middle school English teacher) for about 3 weeks and it was rough. I had planned on a leisurely recovery, lol, but that was not the case. Bone-rattling coughing and sinus issues took a while to clear out. There is nothing like a bout of sickness that seems to stretch forever that makes you really grateful for the good times. Life went on, I had a good sub and the students did fairly well in my absence. I was surrounded by good friends and family who were available to help. I was able to stay balanced emotionally too. I've written about depression and I've been in a good place since May, I was worried this might throw me, but all was well and with time, I did recover. 

Smiling in the hospital, just a token overnight stay this time, thank goodness.

MS Surgical Tips

1. Communicate clearly with all medical personnel that you have MS. Most of them having a working knowledge of what to look for, some don't, so keep them posted and listen to your body.
2. Bowel prep if you can or load up on fiber pre-surgery. Use stool softener or Mirlax (or something) post-surgery. Anesthesia already slows bowels down (if you haven't had the pleasure of surgery--take my word for it), but it's 10 times worse with MS when your bowel area has interrupted signals to the brain. Beware of narcotics. They will bind you up. I wasn't in a lot of pain after this surgery, so I was just able to do Aleve. More difficult surgeries, like sinus surgeries were extraordinarily painful for me and I did Lortab...and paid the price for days after.
3. Get your catheter out as soon as possible and ease back into it. To me, catheters are akin to water-board torture. My bladder works even slower than my bowels, so I knew I needed it out ASAP because the longer it would stay in, the harder it would be to regain function. Again, faulty communication between bladder and brain can make life very uncomfortable. I do know that the longer you're on a catheter, the nerves relax and it takes a lot to get them working. Your nurse should have tips to help you.
4. Hydrate as much as you can for a myriad of reasons. 
5. Use the magic circulation socks/pump things. One of the worst things for MS (for me) is not moving. Daily exercise and moving around during the day is critical. The circulation sock things keep your blood moving and can help stave off muscle spasms and cramps. *If you start to have numbness, try to move as soon as you can.
6. Walk when you are ready and be careful. Any surgery is going to limit your movement for a while. I am all over-achiever, so I tried to walk as soon as I was awake but was so severely nauseated that I just ended up holding up the wall until I was kindly escorted back to bed. I asked for nausea medicine and was able to move around after. Watch for blood clots too with MS as things don't move as they should.
7. Flood your body with nutrition...and I don't mean hospital food. Getting as many veggies, fruits and lean proteins as possible to expedite healing. 
8. Do research ahead of time for your specific surgery. I found A LOT about hysterectomy recovery, which made my life easier. BTW, "goodbye uterus" memes abound and they are pretty funny:)
9. Take heart, this too shall pass. 
10. Final thought--have a network of help arranged ahead of time. Plan on extra recovery time with MS.

December was my bi-annual visit with my neuro. It was the shortest, least exciting visit I've ever had, which is NOT a bad thing. I'm to stay the course, watch my balance and I won't have to have another MRI until next Dec (rather than twice a year) because my last few scans have been clear. Grateful for all of that and appreciative of Kelsie Montgomery, PA and Dr. DeSabrio who keep an eye on me and are wonderful to work with.

Visit to Maui over Christmas Break. I ran my "Rachel Travels" protocol and did well. It was warm, so warm and felt wonderful to my body. Great time with my husband and children:)

On New Year...this is the first time in years I've been excited for January and mentally ready to make some big changes. There's a lot I'm excited about with how I connect to my Father in Heaven and Savior and I have some MS goals as well.

I'm working with Kim from MS Diet for Life to give my diet a reboot and reevaluate my treatment plan. She was pivotal when I was diagnosed and has never steered me wrong.

I'm also pursuing pelvic rehab to safely starts weights again and will continue daily walking/hiking and swimming (when possible).

I've learned a lot about meditation and will be incorporating this in more meaningful ways. I've learned that stress can bring on flares and I've got to be more mindful and careful. I flared right before we went to Maui and it was horrible and 100% stress related.

Since I was young I've struggle with body image issues. I'm working with Jason Seib of Body Beliefs to work on changing my thought process. This has been a source of pain for so long to me...and even worse with a suddenly diseased body, that I'm really looking forward to doing the long-term work of healing--it's time.

I finally feel stable enough and am in a good place emotionally to make some big changes and I am excited for what the future will bring.

God is my #1 source for help with MS (and everything in life really). I know that we are His children and we are greatly loved. Don't be afraid to approach Him with your struggles and learn to understanding how He uniquely speaks to you.

Thank you for reading and Happy New Year to each of you!


Latest Insta Post...follow me at @raeofsunshine526
3 years of MS;) Here’s where I am in my journey. I have relapse-remitting type with spine (many) and brain (not as many) lesions. I’m currently in remission; there is no cure. I take Copaxone, a disease-modifier shot, every other day. It kills my t-cells to protect my brain & spine from immune system attacks. It also alters my immune system function, which is problematic—leading to stuff like Hashimoto’s. I eat a strict anti-inflammatory diet: no gluten, sugar, dairy, processed foods. I exercise daily & do alternative treatments to maintain normal, like lots of supplements/vitamins, chiropractic care, massage, vitamin infusions, etc. I pray a lot and trust my Father & Savior to guide my treatment. I’ve had a lot of divine intervention—it’s miraculous to me. I can testify of God’s intricate involvement in our lives. I am thankful to have full mobility, I teach full time. I have to be careful. I fatigue easily—I’m running about 80% attendance at kid/family/friend functions. I feel bad when I miss things & embarrassed when I have to leave early. I feel like some people think I’m faking—I never am. I look far healthier than how I feel. I trip and stumble. I have to really focus on balance. Stuff like numbness, MS “hug”, bowel/bladder issues come and go. I fear relapse & permanent loss—especially of cognitive function—and being a burden on my family. But I’m choosing to trust my Father every day—I’m going to be ok.
I struggle with depression, but have been in a good place for a while. I have a dream team of doctors & specialists who support me & listen to me. MS keeps me grounded, gives me a daily vehicle to exercise my faith, and has given me increased empathy & compassion...and I take waaaay better care of my body than I ever have. I have remarkable friends & family who see the real me and are unfailingly understanding and loving. Thank you 🙏🏻 My hubs and kids see the most. Making changes on the fly due to mom’s MS is part of life and they are always good about it. They are also teaming with MS jokes;) Everyone has something(s) to deal with. This is one of mine. Still, it’s a life that’s blessed...even with MS 🧡 #mymsstory#fightingwithfaith #kickms

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3 years of MS, Hysterectomy and the New Year!

Current Status, Graduate Degree and Summer Travel!

Current Status: Ok, I've had more blood work and have some answers (see March blog) as to why I've been so run-down and my body is doing weird things.

I discovered that my immuno-suppressing Copaxone shots are really taking a toll. Granted, my MS progression is halted (praise the Lord), but because my immune system is suppressed, it's leaving me open to weird things: like reoccurring mono, parvo virus, etc. Because I am a teacher, I'm constantly being exposed. My doc said that kids/teens carry many of these viruses that lay dormant--but I'm picking up on them. So, while I don't get "regular people" sickness like colds, my weakened immune system is dealing with other things. Also saw that I was anemic...so being totally run-down just contributed to depression, which is a challenge.

I'm looking into supplements and practices to build-up my immune system. I don't want to stop teaching, sigh, but I can't have another spring like the last two. Anyone have suggestions?

Summer is truly my salvation--I'm away from school and students (even though I love it) and my body can just heal. Summer is all about avoiding the heat, but I get a lot of early morning exercise, sleep a ton and just take it easy. I'm beyond sad that summer is swiftly coming to and end...sniffle.

As stated in the previous post, I started bio-identical hormone replacement, which balanced out my mood and I feel like I'm on the other side of depression for now, hallelujah! However, I'm still trying to figure out exactly when to take the hormones, I started by taking them daily, which gave me massive headaches. I'm now just taking them when I think I'd normally have a period (I've had a uterine ablation years ago, BEST decision of my life). Best news? The mystery joint pain does appear to be hormonal and I've been 2 months without pain!!!

*Hormone therapy is no joke. There is a risk. Frankly, because I take Copaxone my risks for about everything sky-rockets, so I am not too worried about risks here. Do your research and see more than one doctor to get opinions. Again, I'm not doing hormone therapy as a pre-menopause thing, but because my immune system is attacking my thyroid and I'm not secreting hormones anywhere in the realm of normal.

Headaches led to an ER visit a couple weeks ago. Because I have MS, it's an automatic brain MRI, which was totally clear. It's crazy how telling ER staff I have MS expedites everything. They were so kind and efficient. I rarely see the ER, but always appreciate the high level of care when I do. MRI results confirmed my thoughts that the headaches were a progesterone overdose:) Sure enough, I stopped the progesterone and the headaches moved on. My neuro prescribed a headache medicine, but I opted not to take it as they faded themselves out.

Through it all, I'm just grateful. I keep reading or hearing about MS patients with far greater challenges and I give thanks I can walk, think, work, exercise, etc. I might be slow, I might have down days, but I'm still here and I'm still me--this is something I will never take for granted. It also reminds me that MS can be as scary as hell--who wants to lose physical, emotional and cognitive ability? Not this girl. So, grateful, just grateful.

May 3, 2019: Yep! That's me...receiving my graduate degree. Sadly, I was still really struggling with depression, so I didn't feel much during all the ceremony and celebration--but I do now! Being in graduate school (with internships) while working, raising a family and managing MS was hard, but I did it:) I'm hoping this will open doors later in my career and I look forward to what the future may hold for me professionally.

My Instagram post on the big day: MS gets to make a lot of decisions: what I eat, what hurts, how long I get to stay outside, my energy level, my mood, how my immune system works (or doesn’t), which events I miss...the list stretches on. Today marked the first big decision I made shortly after diagnosis—to enroll at SUU in a graduate program for Education and Administrative Endorsement. I was called to interview for the program when I was hospitalized, awkwardly explained my situation & asked for a deferment. I decided that while MS could stop a lot of things, it wouldn’t stop this. It’s been a long road, but full of wonderful experiences and support from my tight group of family & friends. I received heavenly help in abundance and I’m so grateful. Today was for my kids to show them it’s possible to do hard things in spite of harder things. Many thanks to so many of you who supported me in so many ways ❤️ Big thanks to Justin @j_robins_26.2 who sees the not-so-chipper-Rachel & always believes in me. Love to Matt, Em and Nate:) 

Now, by the end of May, I was feeling things again and believe me, I had all the feels with my big boy graduating from high school. How did I get a kid this old? Matt is wonderful: kind, smart, funny, but has also had a challenging adolescence these past couple years. It's been a long and winding road, but I love this kid with all my heart and it was awesome to be with him as he reached an important milestone:) 

Summer Travel: Washington DC & the Bahamas

  

In our family, we like to give the gift of experiences. For Matt's graduation, we went on a trip--just myself, my hubs and Matt. He is quite political and a history buff, so we visited DC. It was amazing!! We saw all the cool sites, toured the US Capitol building, went to Gettysburg, etc. My favorite part was seeing my hard-to-impress 18-year-old look impressed by what we saw, and I was delighted to finally see fireflies:) It's the little things people.

Travel is really hard with MS. I like to see other places, but I dread getting there. Frankly, if I didn't marry a travel fanatic, I wouldn't go anywhere.

This is a great article about travelling with MS: https://multiplesclerosisnewstoday.com/2017/11/06/simple-tips-for-traveling-with-ms/

Flights are hard with the whole not-moving around and the fact that I cannot sleep on a plane...ever. Not sleeping and not moving = fatigue that is hard to bounce-back from. I eat a very strict diet, which is a little tricky to manage outside of my home. The biggest problem though is temperature and this year we'd be going to 2 humid places.

As explained in an earlier blog post, I can't regulate my temperature. It's an MS thing and it's bizarre. So...when I'm hot, I can't sweat, I just overheat until I start to neurologically shut down. It's scary and embarrassing. Likewise, when I'm cold--I cannot warm up. I have to externally move my internal temperature and it's hard and ridiculously time consuming.

Last summer we went to LA. I was careful to wear cooling clothes, drink a lot of water, stay in the shade, but one day the temperature and humidity spiked and I started to shut down. I alerted my husband (I could barely speak or walk at that point), we left an amusement park, got me a smoothie and to a hotel room where I could lay down, cool off and sleep. I've been sketchy about humidity since then.

Here is my desert environment, 87 is my magic number! If it's 87 and full sun, I will wilt, so I can't be outside more than a few minutes. I just have to be really careful. Heat sucks it out of my like no one's business. Justin did build me a pool in our backyard which helps a lot.

Mercifully early June in DC was wonderful this year. Temps were low 80's with minimal humidity. I had no problems and I was so grateful.

Warm and impossibly turquoise with white, sandy beaches as far as you can see. 

The Caribbean did NOT disappoint:) 

Before I graduated, Justin asked me where I wanted to go to celebrate. I told him I'd really like to see the water in the Caribbean and boom: trip for 2 to the Bahamas in mid July! 

The Bahamas were unusually warm (high 80's) with a lot of humidity. However, I only had one day I was really tired, but it wasn't a shut-down. And, drum roll please, I actually broke into a sweat! I was so excited:) We were able to traipse around Nassau (with frequent beach breaks) and I handled the humidity just fine. Most days had plenty of overcast skies, which helped a lot. Full sun tends to always be worse for me. I actually felt better there than I do at home with the dry heat. Plus, my normally straight hair curls in the humidity, my face and lips are moist--I think I look dynamite outside the intense desert...totally am retiring to an island location.

So, for my MS friends...

Travel Tips for High Humidity Areas

1. Stay hydrated--drink 2x more than you normally would. You'll need to replace any water you might lose if you sweat, AND you need to stay hydrated to stabilize temperature. I have never worked so hard to drink a ton and it really paid off. 
2. If there is humidity, there should be water nearby. Get in the water as much as you can: pool, ocean, lake, showers, etc. Just make it happen.
3. Don't be stupid--check the temperature, see when humidity and temperature peak and be inside or in the water during that time frame (usually a 2-4 hr block of time).
4. Stick to your schedule with medicine, supplements/vitamins. The more homeostasis you can maintain, the better you'll feel.
5. Utilize fans, cooling rags.vests, misters or hats to cool your body.
6. Eat food with salt. Sounds weird, but on the days I'm a little peaked by humidity, having something salty perks me up. I'm sure it's an electrolyte thing. Also, having a lot of protein in my meals helps me feel better too.
7. Sleep a lot. I got 9 hrs. of sleep or so per night and it went a long way into helping me feel ok.
8. Communicate with your travel companions. Travelling with people outside my immediate family really freaks me out. My family knows I can start to feel weird and we'll switch plans on a dime. I'd feel bad expecting others to do that. However, speak up and change your environment before it gets bad and you don't have a choice.
9. Build your day with cooler inside activities balanced with outside activities. Be aware--make sure you're sitting by AC or if you're in a boat, sit where you can get some water splashes. Plan ahead and make sure your hotel room, relative's place, Air B&B or whatever has A/C!!! You'll need it after being outside for a bit. 
10. Utilize transportation. I love walking around, but too much walking in humidity can really wear you out with MS. Don't be afraid to taxi, public transport, even biking helps. We ended up biking almost everywhere in DC and it saved my energy! 

I know it's all crazy deliberate--part of what stresses me out when travelling--but it's all good, because when you can feel well and travel with MS, it's pretty awesome! Life is short, travel while you can and enjoy the beautiful world God created for us.

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Current Status, Graduate Degree and Summer Travel!

On Depression

I never realize how long I go between posts, there is much to update. Thanks for reading about my continuing saga about life with MS!

First of all, many with MS struggle with depression for many reasons. I wrote in my last post that I had been struggling too. This last bout has been one of the worst.

Depression, for me, usually means excessive emotion, dark thoughts, feelings of failure (which, oddly enough, is the worst when I'm sitting in church), lack of appetite, every hurt is magnified, increased fatigue,feeling hopeless/despair, etc.

I took a turn for the worse in late March. Justin (my hubs) and I were sitting in a theater. It was an emotional part of a movie and everyone was crying or teary, except me. I was numb.

I was numb at church, school, with family. Everything felt very hazy and muddy. I am a woman of faith, but even God seemed silent. I kept praying, kept working, kept living, but it was a mess. I put on a good show, I don't think many noticed anything different.

Finally a foothold appeared when I realized that emotional numbness is not normal for me.

I opened up for the first time to two doctors that manage my care, to my therapist, husband, parents, and a few trusted friends. I got help. I started looking at a root cause and was able to eliminate some things: situational depression (not this time), depression due to my brain lesions (nope, my lesions are not in my emotional center and are not growing), etc.

However, my immune system is attacking my thyroid, and blood work showed my hormones were WAY off. I decided to try bio-identical hormone replacement.

So far, so good. I feel like myself again and I am so grateful. I had no concept of how bad things were until I started to pull out of it. I know what works to maintain my mood and that's part of my daily routine now. If it comes back again, despite hormonal balance, I'll be looking at anti-depressants.

I'm sharing this because I'd like you to keep an eye out. Even the strongest, most stable people can struggle. If someone starts not attending things they normally do, if they seems very quiet, if their personality seems a little different--don't be afraid to talk to them, ask, reach out. Just being told that I was understood and it was going to be ok meant a lot. I didn't get it. I do now and I'll be far more aware and ready to help.

I stumbled across this book when I needed it the most. It's Jane Clayson Johnson's "Silent Souls Weeping" where she write about her own battle with depression, interviews many others who have suffered with depression, and gives a wealth of resources. If you had or are struggling with depression or want to understand what depression is like, don't hesitate to read this book. It is written from a Christian point-of-view, but the information is broad and covers major aspects of depression. 

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On Depression